We got them!

Ladies and Gentlemen: We got them!

After the long and exhausting process Zara and I finally got our Schengen visas in order and now nothing can stop us from embarking on our next trip - to Europe!

However I am still shaking after wasting the whole week dealing with bureaucrats. To think of it, the Schengen legislators did something incredible - they abolished the borders between their countries with the intent to make travel as seamless as possible. One would think that this bold act would mean pink slips for the whole army of now useless officials... But never underestimate "apparat". Even though Schengen agreement makes it easy to move from country to country, the bureaucrats secured their seats by passing the whole slew of dumb instructions that control and usually prohibit even moving to another hotel.

In fact, a clerk in Netherlands consulate asked us:

C: Are you *really* going to stay in Hilton?
Me: Yes, why?
C: Because we are going to call and find out whether you stayed there. And if you didn't we won't give you visa next time
Me: And we can't move to the hotel across the street?
C: No, we are giving you visa only because we assume that you'll stay in the declared hotel
Me(saying): Ok, we'll be staying in Hilton.

Me (thinking): Well, you can call Hilton, if you have no life and can't think of better use of your time and money. But do you think I give a damn about your next visa? Don't you understand that as a green card holder I'll be applying for US Citizenship soon, and in few years I won't need any visas at all? I'll be going in an out of Europe at will, without even giving you a call... So what's the value of making us to go through this humiliating experience? Are you enjoying the exercise of your short-live power while you still can?

But I don't believe they understand how ridiculous their job appears to a disinterested observer. And for the normal, thinking person who applies for visa, the comic side of the experience is also not apparent. In fact having to deal with so may idiotic rules one after another is very traumatizing, it drove me almost to the edge of depression. It's already the second or third time that by the time I get my visas I no longer feel like traveling at all. At least not to the country represented by this consulate. Of course, once I actually get into the country things are so much easier. When I arrived to Paris in 2001, nobody even checked the visa that cost me so much effort to obtain. And then as time passes by I start recognizing the funny side of these consular experiences and eventually they turn into travel stories for everybody to enjoy.

Here for example are some scenes observed in various consulates over the years:

1) Belgium. A middle aged Chinese gentlemen has to travel on business.

Clerk: Your application says that your home address is in San Francisco.
Gentlemen: Yes, but I work in New York
C: We can only process visa applications for New York residents
G: But I live in New York 4 days out of 7!
C: However since you indicated that home address is in San Francisco, you must apply for visa in Los Angeles. Next!

2) France. A cop guarding the consulate says to a visitor who goes out for a smoke:

"You were walking in and out too many times. If you walk out again I'll not let you to come back"

The cop is American, so it doesn't directly implicates French in any wrongdoing. However it shows the kind of atmosphere people have to endure in consular establishments. Same day consul ordered the cop to throw out Chinese girl who was complaining about some of the procedures.

3)Netherlands. An elderly Indian lady, US Permanent Resident, is flying from New York to Delhi through Amsterdam. Needs a transit visa. Perhaps elderly ladies from US are particularly likely to violate Dutch laws, so the clerk is extra careful:

Clerk: Your ticket has open date - how did you get it?
Lady: My daughter bought it for me, she works for an airline.
C: Do you have your daughter airline ID?
L: No...
C: Then you daughter needs to come here and confirm that she bought you this ticket.
L: But my daughter lives in Houston!
C: Unfortunately we cannot issue visa for people with open date tickets. Next!

(However they can and do issue visas to the holders of fully changeable and refundable tickets where the date can be changed in a single phone call -MM)

4) Japan. I was applying for a visa on Wed, October 23 for an arrival to Japan on January 27.

C: We can't issue visa for more than 3 months in advance
M (begging): But it's only 4 days difference...
C: No we can't accept it today, come back next week.
M (cautiously): But next week there will be less than 6 month of validity left on my passport (expires on April 26)
Will you overlook this fact?
C: No we can't issue a visa if there is less 6 months of validity left on the passport.
M: So what do I do?
C: Let me talk to my boss...

He comes back few minutes later:

C: You can come back the day after tomorrow, on Friday (Oct 25th).
M: ???
C: On Friday your passport will still have 6 months left, so we accept your application. However we won't be able to process it until next business day, which is Monday, Oct 28. And by Monday when we issue the visa it will be already less than 3 months before your arrival!

Perfect coincidence of dates and hence a triumph of human ingenuity! How many useful things this person could have accomplished if he applied his brain in some other occupation!

Well these were experiences of the past. Over the last 3 years things have improved a lot. It's enough to say that now some Schengen consulates can issue visas next day, as opposed to 3-4 weeks it took them in 2001. Yet bureaucracy is far from dead.

5) Netherlands. Here is my most recent experience: Zara and talking to a clerk at Netherlands Consulate. This conversation is particularly interesting that the clerk attempted to justify the idiotic instruction from a logical standpoint:

Clerk: You can submit your applications tomorrow
Me: Do both of us need to come?
C: Yes, application must be submitted in person
M: But you already saw us at least twice
C: But what if I am not here tomorrow?
M: Your colleague also saw us.
C: What if she's not in neither?
Z: Ok, we'll both come...

So why do I say that requirement to submit applications in person is idiotic? Well, because they also accept applications by mail! Anybody who applies in the city that doesn't have Netherlands consulate never appears before the clerks in person. So if the postman brings application it's cool, but if somebody else brings it - it's not!

Are there any positive experiences I had visiting consulates? Yes, aside from Schengen countries and Ukraine missions, every other country I've been dealing with was reasonably efficient. (Although Japan was very close to becoming a disaster). However my best experience yet was with the Thai Consulate:

When applying:

M: There will be less than required 3 months of validity left in my passport upon my second arrival to Thailand...
C: This is not good, you need to apply for new passport
M: I already applied, but US Gov-t sent me a letter which says that it takes them 6th months to renew it (in fact it took them over 2 years!!!)
C: Ah, ok, than you'll need to explain it to customs officer in Thailand if they ask you...

When picking up visa:

M (in horror): You stamped wrong month in my visa!
Clerk: Give it back to me... (He takes the white-out, clears the old date and stamps over new one!!!) Here it is!

I wish other consulates can adopt this relaxed attitude. Even if you are stuck with stupid job that should be done by robots, don't turn into one! Try to remain human and learn to apply common sense...